Chapters.

I think it’s safe to refer to myself as a writer now but what I’ve always been is a reader. To me, there’s nothing like a good book to sit down and get lost in. A truly good book would have you wanting to skip ahead because certain chapters were taking too long. This is what I’ve been doing in my own story.

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. If I made a resolution, it was always to lose weight and would end up in an epic fail LOL. Instead of having a resolution, I would consider the new year a new chapter in my life and I’d name it. For the past few years, I’ve been naming chapters “Self” over and over again because I screwed up the story the chapter before.

I was constantly naming chapters “Self” because I kept telling myself, this is the part of my story where it’s going to be solely about me … and it wouldn’t be. I kept trying to skip this chapter and get to the good part because writing your own story without any supporting characters is outright hard. I never thought being the main character of my own story would be so lonely. In most good books, (well the romance ones I read) the main character has some type of hero that swoops in and saves the day … saves the story.

In life, we have to realize that we are the authors of our own stories. We can’t look for that hero to come and change the storyline. The pen is always in our hands therefore we’re in control. I know some of us would prefer writing our stories in pencil so we can erase the mistakes. I have plenty of mistakes that I wish I could erase but it’s those mistakes that make the story worth turning the page.

From now on, I’m writing my story in pen … without hesitation. I’m not perfect so the mistakes will continue to be made meaning the lessons will continue to be learned. I’ve decided to take a break off the “Love” chapter. I can always go back to that … when I’m ready. In this part of the story, I’m just going to keep writing and hopefully the main character of Shayna will continue to grow. Keep turning the pages … there is more to come.

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Without a Purpose.

The chapter of life I am currently in right now is learning to manifest the life that I want. I’ve always felt that my life was meant for more than just working a 9-5. My life was meant to be remembered. My life was meant to leave a mark. Though I felt all of this, a question always lingered in the deep crevices of my thoughts and feelings. What is my purpose? In my 31 years of life, I’ve yet to figure out what it is I am here for.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be many things. I remember watching “Harriet the Spy” and thinking that I wanted to be a writer. At a young age, I was already into journaling but after watching the movie, I dove deeper into my writing. I would either people watch or use my own life experiences to write short stories. I began collecting notebooks and pens, and still do to this day. Besides Reese’s and a nice bag of Smartfood white cheddar cheese popcorn, the way to my heart was a beautiful notebook with lined paper and a nice writing pen.

There was even a point in time where I felt I could be an influencer. I wanted to influence an audience who related to me on some of life’s daily and personal struggles. In 2017, I accomplished my weight loss goal for the first time ever out of all my attempts throughout my life. I accomplished this victory with the assistance of Herbalife products. My weight loss and the reactions of others to my transformation motivated me to become a distributor. I was also watching people like my sponsor achieve financial freedom and take trips to places that I had only dreamed of. I only managed to get 3 people on my team before I became discouraged and gave up. I felt I wasn’t receiving the support I needed to keep going. Now here we are in 2020 and the same people who told me “no” are now the same people who are promoting Herbalife or the new craze, Iaso tea and Nutraburst. No judgment whatsoever. By all means, get your coins and go off sis! My point is imagine where I’d be three years later had I not stopped. Imagine if I had believed in myself!

Now that I am older, I am searching for what truly lights my soul on fire. Is it still writing? I can say that Moore or Less is my baby … something I created of my own free will and creative mind. Who knows where this blog will take me, what potential it holds? There are days where doubt sets in because who am I to think that my words matter or are worth reading? That was a thought until one day my mother, who supports even my wildest ideas, says that she’s waiting on a book one day. This blog may just be the beginning.

I say all of this to say, don’t let life pass you by without chasing what it is that brings you true happiness. Do not let anyone detour you from your purpose. Be mindful of people who are comfortable and content in their stagnancy. Not everyone is going to share the same ambition as you. Not everyone is going to see your vision. Realize that not everyone can go with you. Pay attention to yourself. Focus on your mission, your goals. This is a process, a rough and sometimes ugly one that will reap fruitful benefits … if you believe. Let’s continue to heal and grow together because growth …

 

… to be continued.

 

10 years after high school and then some …

Let’s start off by saying that my high school graduation was trash. It rained and we had to cram God knows how many people into our gymnasium. Woodbridge High School is cursed, LOL. Graduation was bittersweet for me because soon after, I was on my way to Baltimore, Maryland to start precollege at Morgan State University. I entered college undecided in my major because I had no idea what I was good at or who I was as a person, to be honest. My goal then was to get into college … CHECK, now what? I thought I wanted to play basketball. I had played since I was young, made it on the Linden AAU team and then my high school freshman team just to be cut the next year. I’ll never forget damn near crying in the gymnasium with my best friend, who was also cut from the team. Being who we were though, we flipped our middle fingers and moved on.

Anyway, I started precollege and passed all my classes, of course. I had made friends and created an image for myself as the light skin girl from Jersey with long nails and every pair of Jordans (My collection of J’s back then was serious since I was a Foot Locker employee, LOL). In the midst of precollege, your girl had her first love and her first REAL heartbreak. Not the 13 year old me crying and singing Amanda Perez’s “God Send Me an Angel” heartbreak but Bernadine from Waiting To Exhale heartbreak. I had been cheated on and everyone knew about it but me. Now, if the motherfucker had a car for me to burn his clothes in, I would have! Instead, I flipped my middle finger up (I do this often in life) and carried my prideful, brokenhearted ass back to Baltimore to finish what I started. Needless to say, I continued being on and off with this man for a few more years after this incident only to continue having my heart broken time and time again. A good eggplant and love will make you do some dumb shit. Eventually, I learned that a tiger never changes its stripes and moved on. I still had my share of shitty ass relationships afterwards because loving yourself and learning your worth was no overnight process. To this day, I still have some insecurities but in no way shape or form is your girl ugly. I have a FUPA but it’s meant to keep your forehead warm, papi! My goal from high school changed from “Lose weight Shay because they like skinny bitches” to “Love yourself as you are, just live a healthier lifestyle.” I used to have this uncanny fear of rejection because a girl like me ran the Welcome Committee for the friend zone, LOL. Eventually, I let that rejection nonsense go and began to flourish. I mean, at the end of the day, there are those out there who will think I’m ugly (and I could give a shit) while there are others who would like to eat my ass with a napkin tucked in their collar (shrugs). With that being said, DO YOU AND BE YOU BOO BOO because SOMEBODY’S GONNA FUCKING FEEL IT!

As for my friendships/sister circles go, I’m STILL running with the same crew from high school and college. I’ve made friends along these ten years who I now consider family. I’ve also let go of some friends as well. Since high school, I’ve learned that a friendship can be just as toxic and draining as a relationship. Instead of holding on to memories and longevity, I’ve let go and walked away with my lesson. Loving people from a distance is essential to keeping your peace. It’s a self care act that I practice heavily now as someone who’s used to be selfless. Recently, one of my best friends called me, “the strong friend,” but I realized I can’t be the strong friend if I’m not being strong for myself …

From high school to 10 years later to now, I can say I was young, naive, and dumb.I am still young and still dumb, on occasion but the Shayna I am now has a better outlook on life and knows exactly what she wants. I’ll be turning 30 on next Wednesday and you couldn’t tell high school me that I wasn’t going to be somebody’s wife and have two kids by now, LOL. Instead, I’m welcoming Chapter 30 with a different set of goals and a different mindset. Like I said in a recent IG post, “I do not apologize for how I’m about to move” because at the end of the day, who gone check me?

The frustration of weight loss.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been told that I should lose weight. From family members to doctors visits, I’ve always had someone telling me that my weight was too high. Visiting the doctor became a nightmare for me at a young age because I grew increasingly tired of hearing the term, “obese.” Nothing about the experiences were ever encouraging or motivating but more or less, debilitating to my confidence. Imagine being six or seven years old and being on a diet that became noticeable to everyone at school. This was the beginning of the bullying that I would endure throughout elementary school lasting until middle school.

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