Disappointments.

I know, I know y’all … it’s been awhile since I’ve dropped a few words but the real can’t be forced. When I write, I usually grab a notebook and write my thoughts down as a rough draft before I type and publish my work. Tonight, I decided to set the mood by lighting some of my KullturedKandy candles and pour a glass of wine … then sitting myself down and just flowing.

I decided to title this piece, “Disappointments”, because in life, we all have experienced them. They say having expectations leads to disappointments and damn, if that ain’t the truth. In this chapter, not only am I learning that I can’t control the outcome of situations in my life but I am also learning it is okay to be the disappointment in the chapters of others.

Having someone disappointed in me used to unsettle me. I wouldn’t feel as though I was performing as my best self unless I was doing something for someone. Previously I mentioned to you all my issues with codependency and in unlearning this behavior, I am also learning to wholeheartedly not give a fuck … just flow (April Nichole, @NikkiesThoughts). I used to care so much that it would be to my own detriment. Now, I am so focused on the betterment of myself that I truly do not have the urge to please anyone.

When you are becoming comfortable in being a disappointment, you realize your interactions with people will change. Lately, I’ve noticed in my interactions with some people, many of them are still stuck on the “old Shayna.” The Shayna from the past who was apologetic even though she had nothing to be sorry for … the Shayna who consistently poured into others though her cup was empty … the Shayna who accepted apologies she never received … the Shayna who loved others more than she loved herself.

I recently had someone tell me that I had a history of not telling the truth and to their credit, they were right. Did I get upset with that statement? Not at all because honestly … that was the past. I can’t be mad at someone who is still stuck there and doesn’t want to take the time to see my growth. 2007, 2012, 2016, 2019 Shayna is not the same woman who now sits in 2020. I recently had someone tell me I was a horrible friend because I don’t answer calls or text messages anymore. Honestly, they’re right. If I know there is something coming to disturb my peace, I will not receive it … at least, not until I am ready to. If I know there is someone coming to receive and not reciprocate, I do not accept them into my space.

I am learning it is okay to not always show up for everyone. It’s not okay to not show up for yourself. I am learning that it is not my obligation to fix nor heal everyone. I had to wake up and realize that I was slacking in my boundaries … slacking in using my voice to acknowledge my wants and needs. I was so used to being a giver that I wouldn’t voice when my cup was empty and needed a refill. RECIPROCITY … I’m not giving you no more than you giving me. This isn’t to say I no longer care about certain people .. this is to say, “Yes, I want the best for you but not to my detriment!” (April Nichole, @NikkiesThoughts).

Some people aren’t going to accept your growth. For most people, it’s more comfortable for them leaving you right where they left you at … in the past. Especially when your past self was easier to deal with .. easier to manage and easier to use to their benefit. There are some people in my life who have noticed my growth and have acknowledged it. I have been told on many occasions that the light has returned to my eyes and my smile. I thank you all so much but please believe me when I say, this is only the beginning because …

 

I’M ABOUT TO LIGHT THIS MUHFUCKA UP!!

Forgiveness.

Before getting my sexy back, I spoke with y’all about experiencing different chapters in our lives. For those of us who are committed readers, how many happy endings did you come to before reading about the villain who came and fucked everything up? How many of us can actually acknowledge that sometimes we’re the villain in our own stories?

Through this transition, I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection, as I frequently do. I’ve never been the type of person to label myself as a victim or to even carry the title proudly as some do. I realized while processing my current chapter that I’ve been the villain in my own story on a few occasions. Many of the recent traumas I experienced were because I allowed them to happen and this revelation has lead me to kicking myself in my own ass … beating myself up for allowing such bullshit to not only occur but continue.

Now, I’m no longer beating myself up. I’m accepting the lessons I decided to learn the hard way and forgiving myself as well.

I forgive myself for losing myself while helping others find themselves.

I forgive myself for trying to be the peacemaker even though being the peacemaker isn’t always peaceful.

I forgive myself for meeting someone at their potential rather than accepting their reality.

I forgive myself for settling for less than I deserved.

I forgive myself for thinking I deserved less.

I forgive myself for doubting my self worth.

I forgive myself for feeling as though it was my obligation to heal someone.

I forgive myself for placing myself and my feelings second to others.

I forgive myself for being a rehabilitation center for others instead of using my own tools to rehabilitate myself.

I saw a meme that said “no one tells you this but the healing hurts more than the wound” and I’ll be damned if that ain’t the truth. Your healing is your responsibility. There’s going to be the good parts, the bad, and the ugly … because when I cry, I give Taraji a run for her money with the ugly cry LOL. It’s all apart of the process though … you can’t skip these parts and don’t try to as you’re only hindering your process. Keep pushing y’all … and forgive yourself because there ain’t one of us out here who’s perfect.

Bringing Sexy Back.

Today I saw a quote on Facebook that said “Being called ugly all your life then having people attracted to you in adulthood is weird”, and I immediately felt that. Growing up, I was always chubby, heavy set, overweight … whatever the hell they wanted to call it. I never knew what it felt like to be desired or wanted in middle school and high school. My tomboy ass was on the basketball team and rocked straight back cornrows like I was Cleo in Set It Off. I rocked Jordans like it was my job and the most girly thing about me were my SWV nails, LOL.

Life changed when I got to college and I started receiving compliments which I couldn’t take to save my life. One of those compliments were “sexy.” My awkward ass didn’t know ANYTHING about being sexy. SEXY?! I was the type who would try winking at a dude and ended up blinking but each eye was delayed. Embarrassing much? Lap dance? HA! Excuse me while I fall over your legs and step on your toes .. SEND HELP SOMEBODY! I need Meg the Stallion’s knees!

Reclaiming your “sexy” is no easy task, especially after a bad relationship or a string of bad relationships where your confidence took a hit. Remember last week when I spoke about chapters … well, bringing sexy back is apart of my “self” chapter. I recently spent a weekend with my sister tribe and we enjoyed some libations and laughs. Apart of the soirée was to wear some sexy lingerie and I, for one, have never wore sexy lingerie. First of all, some of the shit be complicated as hell. Where does this string go? This snaps to what? F*ck it, be happy my bra and panties match sir 😂

I am in a space where I get sexy for myself and I let my definition of “sexy” be what it is. I’m awkward and I’m funny therefore that’s what comes along with my “sexy.” Sometimes I will prance around my apartment by myself in my little sexy numbers with music playing and wine in my glass. When I pass by a mirror, I hit reverse and say, “DAMN GIRL … YOU KILLIN’ EM!” I say all of this to say, embrace your sexy again ladies. Do it for yourself and enjoy it because regardless of your size or shape, you look good girl! Don’t you EVER forget it!

In conclusion, I can write some sexy shit so I’m blessing y’all with a little something …

 

BEG ME

There he stood, with eyes glaring at me from behind black-rimmed glasses and a smirk on his face.
Meanwhile I stood before him, motionless and wondering how on Earth did I get to this place?
I’ve fought these feelings, this temptation … date after date,
Thinking back to that movie like “90 days girl, make him wait.”
But the sexual tension began to build higher than the wall I’ve made,
and the anxiousness I’ve been feeling, I can no longer escape.
He took a step forward and pulled me into his chest,
so close I could smell the cologne he wore through his vest.
Our eyes met where I could see his lust and desire,
my breathing quickened, preparing for what was about to transpire.
He grabbed the back of my neck as our lips met,
and our tongues danced as my hands tugged at his pants.
He broke our kiss and released me suddenly,
as I stood there … hot, bothered, and ready.
”Tell me what you want,” he said as he walked over and sat on the bed.
”I want you to fuck me”, I replied, looking directly in his eyes.
He smiled and laid back with his hands behind his head and said, “I want you to beg.”
I walked over to him and sat myself on his lap as I pulled him up and wrapped my legs around his back.
He grabbed me by the hair, pulling my head back as I heard the hooks of my bra unsnap.
My neck was exposed and the trail he left with his tongue to my earlobe resulted in the curling of my toes.
I couldn’t fathom some of the sensations he’s awakened,
as he licks and blows, my body shivers with every breath that I take in.
As he continued his assassination of my will, the urge increased for my juices to spill.
I could no longer withstand his tease and the last thing I remember as he slid his fingers in me was my moaning voice cry out …

 

PLEASE!

Chapters.

I think it’s safe to refer to myself as a writer now but what I’ve always been is a reader. To me, there’s nothing like a good book to sit down and get lost in. A truly good book would have you wanting to skip ahead because certain chapters were taking too long. This is what I’ve been doing in my own story.

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions. If I made a resolution, it was always to lose weight and would end up in an epic fail LOL. Instead of having a resolution, I would consider the new year a new chapter in my life and I’d name it. For the past few years, I’ve been naming chapters “Self” over and over again because I screwed up the story the chapter before.

I was constantly naming chapters “Self” because I kept telling myself, this is the part of my story where it’s going to be solely about me … and it wouldn’t be. I kept trying to skip this chapter and get to the good part because writing your own story without any supporting characters is outright hard. I never thought being the main character of my own story would be so lonely. In most good books, (well the romance ones I read) the main character has some type of hero that swoops in and saves the day … saves the story.

In life, we have to realize that we are the authors of our own stories. We can’t look for that hero to come and change the storyline. The pen is always in our hands therefore we’re in control. I know some of us would prefer writing our stories in pencil so we can erase the mistakes. I have plenty of mistakes that I wish I could erase but it’s those mistakes that make the story worth turning the page.

From now on, I’m writing my story in pen … without hesitation. I’m not perfect so the mistakes will continue to be made meaning the lessons will continue to be learned. I’ve decided to take a break off the “Love” chapter. I can always go back to that … when I’m ready. In this part of the story, I’m just going to keep writing and hopefully the main character of Shayna will continue to grow. Keep turning the pages … there is more to come.

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Time Heals All.

How many of us can actually say we give ourselves time to heal? How often do we engage in the healing process after we’ve experienced a traumatic or life-altering event? Do we take the necessary steps? Do we rush it or do we just completely ignore the whole thing and act as if it never happened?

I can confidently say I’m one of those people who never actually engaged in healing. I either rushed the process or acted like the event never happened. I was the type to experience a heartbreak then jump head first into another shitty ass situation … just making the same mistakes I had before. Ignoring the red flags I was well aware of and just focusing on the “love” I had been longing for.

I’m currently in a healing process and I’m doing things differently this time around. With that being said, I am uncomfortable as all hell. How does someone who never put themselves first learn this new behavior of being selfish? How does someone who had barely any boundaries now start drawing lines in front of people they used to feel they couldn’t live without? … with time, patience, and work!

I’ll be the first to say I’m an impatient person. I despise waiting .. especially for something I dearly want and feel I deserve. Being impatient though is what’s gotten me into situations that I had no business in. I’d be in those situations and have the patience of a saint yet the whole time, I was unhappy. Unhappy and thinking, “If I give it more time, things will change.” Stupid, right? Hey, we’ve all been there before but hopefully, a lightbulb has went off for some of us and we realize it’s time for a change. There are also those of us who are hard learners and think, “let me try this a third or fourth time, JUST TO BE SURE.”

Change is uncomfortable but growth is apart of the process. Don’t stay in a situation because to you, it has become your new “normal.” There’s nothing normal about being unhappy. There’s nothing normal about losing yourself and settling for the bare minimum. The healing process will not always be fun. Hell, it’s a rollercoaster ride with times where you feel yourself heading up, anticipating what’s at the top. Then suddenly, you hit a drop and you’re just screaming while you plummet and hope you don’t hit the bottom. Embrace it .. the uncomfortable and the ugly because in the end, a beautiful butterfly breaks out of the cocoon. If this healing process thus far has taught me anything, it’s taught me that putting me first isn’t selfish … it’s necessary.

Heal first … love can wait but self … cannot.” – Moore or Less

That Wasn’t Your Place.

Stop asserting yourself into a role you weren’t asked to fulfill.

In figuring out my purpose, I’ve played many roles in life that were not meant for me. There is one role that I reflect on most. I was never asked to play this role. I never auditioned for it. I just asserted myself into it. My childhood trauma impacted me to the point where I was scared of conflict … even the ones that didn’t concern me. I always remembered myself as being the peacemaker, trying to make sure everyone was happy because things were good when everyone was happy.

Now that I am in my 30s, I realized these circumstances led me to become a “fixer.” I was someone who was broken … so in return, I ran around trying to fix everything and everyone I came across. This tied into my relationships as I attracted some of the most broken people. When we become young first time daters, we don’t ask the person we’re dating, “what happened in your childhood that has made you the person you are today?” We don’t ask, “have you any demons that you haven’t addressed through therapy?” In our teens and 20s, we weren’t thinking about things like that even though we were setting up a beautiful life with this person in our minds already. Fixers like myself saw all of your past trials and tribulations that hurt you and thought, “I can fix this.” I thought with this big and generous heart that God blessed me with, I could love away another’s trauma. I thought I could affirm away their insecurities. What I didn’t realize was picking up someone else’s broken pieces only cut me.

Hurt people hurt people, especially when hurt goes unacknowledged. You obsess over proving yourself as the fixer, not realizing that this stems from your own trauma. You’re doing your best to prove your worth and you’re far different from the disappointments that this person has experienced.

Fixers feel like they get what they deserve. If they have been treated like shit then obviously it’s something the fixer is doing wrong. In true fixer fashion, fixers try to “fix it” in the hopes of being loved again. Being a fixer is a toxic trait that many of us have to let go of.

Boundaries are important when you’re overcoming being a fixer. When you’re a fixer, you’re also a giver and you have to be mindful of your limits because these takers have none. Don’t let someone guilt trip you into believing you’re obligated. You are not responsible for the broken pieces of others … just your own.

As for me, I don’t consider myself as broke anymore. I spent a lot of time falling in love with broken people. I spent a lot of time being a fixer and a healer for others. To combat that, I am spending plenty of time alone so that I could fall in love with myself and receive a taste of my own medicine. No longer a fixer, I am now a potter … someone who put the pieces of her broken pottery back together with her own hands.

Without a Purpose.

The chapter of life I am currently in right now is learning to manifest the life that I want. I’ve always felt that my life was meant for more than just working a 9-5. My life was meant to be remembered. My life was meant to leave a mark. Though I felt all of this, a question always lingered in the deep crevices of my thoughts and feelings. What is my purpose? In my 31 years of life, I’ve yet to figure out what it is I am here for.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be many things. I remember watching “Harriet the Spy” and thinking that I wanted to be a writer. At a young age, I was already into journaling but after watching the movie, I dove deeper into my writing. I would either people watch or use my own life experiences to write short stories. I began collecting notebooks and pens, and still do to this day. Besides Reese’s and a nice bag of Smartfood white cheddar cheese popcorn, the way to my heart was a beautiful notebook with lined paper and a nice writing pen.

There was even a point in time where I felt I could be an influencer. I wanted to influence an audience who related to me on some of life’s daily and personal struggles. In 2017, I accomplished my weight loss goal for the first time ever out of all my attempts throughout my life. I accomplished this victory with the assistance of Herbalife products. My weight loss and the reactions of others to my transformation motivated me to become a distributor. I was also watching people like my sponsor achieve financial freedom and take trips to places that I had only dreamed of. I only managed to get 3 people on my team before I became discouraged and gave up. I felt I wasn’t receiving the support I needed to keep going. Now here we are in 2020 and the same people who told me “no” are now the same people who are promoting Herbalife or the new craze, Iaso tea and Nutraburst. No judgment whatsoever. By all means, get your coins and go off sis! My point is imagine where I’d be three years later had I not stopped. Imagine if I had believed in myself!

Now that I am older, I am searching for what truly lights my soul on fire. Is it still writing? I can say that Moore or Less is my baby … something I created of my own free will and creative mind. Who knows where this blog will take me, what potential it holds? There are days where doubt sets in because who am I to think that my words matter or are worth reading? That was a thought until one day my mother, who supports even my wildest ideas, says that she’s waiting on a book one day. This blog may just be the beginning.

I say all of this to say, don’t let life pass you by without chasing what it is that brings you true happiness. Do not let anyone detour you from your purpose. Be mindful of people who are comfortable and content in their stagnancy. Not everyone is going to share the same ambition as you. Not everyone is going to see your vision. Realize that not everyone can go with you. Pay attention to yourself. Focus on your mission, your goals. This is a process, a rough and sometimes ugly one that will reap fruitful benefits … if you believe. Let’s continue to heal and grow together because growth …

 

… to be continued.

 

Friends Break Hearts, Too.

It’s weird how time changes things. Growing up, my childhood trauma and codependency lead me to establish friendships that weren’t always meant for my higher good. I’m an only girl and being an only girl had me looking for sisterhood anywhere I could find it. As a young girl, I was always looking for acceptance and validation … but that wasn’t always what I found.

I remember every connection I’ve ever had with certain individuals with whom I’ve considered to be a friend. There are so many times where I begin to miss them and take a trip down memory lane but these memories also caused me to remember the disrespect.

In the past, I’ve tolerated the highest levels of bullshit and disrespect for the sake of keeping a friend. Trust me, I had all of the excuses for these ain’t shit friends:

”They didn’t mean it.”

”They said they were sorry.”

”We’ve known each other for so long.”

Nikkie’s Thoughts said it best, “Time don’t mean shit! Time is a man made concept. You can meet someone tomorrow who has better intentions and supports you wholeheartedly more than somebody you’ve known all your life.”

I had to learn to accept this harsh reality because I was keeping too many people around straight off of longevity and the love I had for them. Things always started off good in the beginning. We’d hang out and have a good time. We’d laugh and share jokes. Hell, we’d even partake in some gossip together. Soon after, the tables turn and now you’re the topic of conversation when you aren’t around. You start noticing differences in behavior towards you when y’all are around other people. Snide comments are made about your achievements or they’re disguised in sarcastic compliments. You’re left out of certain events and outings because “they forgot” or “they didn’t think you’d want to go.” You realize you’re the one always reaching out and once you decide to no longer extend the effort, y’all no longer speak.

I can’t say how many times this has happened to me in my life. I’ve honestly lost count. I used to grieve and mourn as if I’d just ended a romantic relationship. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized not everyone you lose is a loss. These friendships had to happen and they had to end because I wasn’t holding them or myself accountable. These “friends” were only doing to me what I allowed. As I grew and matured, my tolerance for half-assed friendships lessened and my friendship circles grew smaller.

I’ve experienced my share of friendship heartbreaks, one being recent, and the impact still weighs heavy on my heart to this day. I’ve had people whose opinions I’ve valued point out unhealthy behavior and toxicity in the past that I completely ignored. When you think you know someone, you feel there’s no one who can speak about them to you. Unfortunately, true colors tend to show when situations change. I think as our stories unfold and we write our chapters, never do we think that someone we considered a friend would be written as a villain.

I recently attended a retreat called The Mending Space where I met and connected with women I had never met before. With these women, I felt safe. It was there where I learned that your true friends must provide you with a safe space. Space to be yourself, space to release without judgment, and space to be vulnerable. Friendships are a different version of love. If you can’t comfortably tell your friends you love them or receive it back, spare yourself the heartbreak.

Venture out. Build new connections. Establish healthy boundaries. Love yourself first and everyone else second. Don’t hold or carry any hate in your heart because it’s too heavy of a burden for YOU to bear. Hell, I still have love for old friends as I had loved them before. So to wrap this up, shout out to those “friends.” I still wish the best for you. I still have love for you.

 

Stay away from me though.

 

 

What makes you a good friend is not doing something that you know will intentionally hurt another person.