I woke up this morning but I continued to lay in bed. Eyes wide open, basking in the darkness, hitting the snooze button repeatedly. I tossed and turned, fighting the urge to stay where I lay. Here we go, my feet are finally touching the floor as I sit upright at the side of my bed. Inhale, exhale. Fuck … I have to go to work today. I want to be alone. I want to stay home but I have to go to work today. I stand up … that’s progress. What will I wear today? I don’t like that because it makes me look fat. I can’t wear this because it no longer fits. Now I’m back on the bed, crying as clothes are scattered everywhere. Screw it, I’ll just wear something black. Black is slimming, isn’t it? It’s time to shower so let’s stand here under the water for about an hour and just … THINK. Let’s cry a little bit in the hopes of feeling better. Now let’s put on my smile like I put on my makeup and push through the day.
I made the drive to work while having several mini episodes because of traffic. I knew I should have stayed home. I walk in the building and force a decent amount of smiles and good mornings even though I don’t want to. Well damn, Jane didn’t speak … the fucks her problem? Why was my supervisor’s greeting so lackluster? Did I do something wrong? Let me check my emails. Nothing there but a few requests from my clients in need. Let me start a to-do list. “Hey Shayna, can you help me with this?”
And it begins … my cellphone goes off. “Hey, do you have a minute? I need to talk.” Sigh! Okay, I never leave a friend hanging. Let me find somewhere private to talk. 15 minutes later, I need to make my tea. I finally have some time to breathe … *tap on cubicle* “Hey Shayna, can you…?” Let’s force a smile. I knew I should have stayed home. Two hours later, is it lunch time? What’s for lunch? I need to be mindful of what I eat. I can’t gain any more weight. “Shayna, the team is having lunch together. Come on.” I don’t really want to but whatever. Another forced smile. Why can’t we just sit here in silence? Why did I choose this career path? I’d rather be traveling. Let me get back to work. *Checks phone* No messages. Where’s my fiancé? My mom is taking awhile to text back. What’s my dad doing? Probably living that retired life. Shit, my weekly report. Ugh, I need a job that pays more money. Why can’t my life be different? When is it going to be my turn? I’m so sick of this. I deserve better. No, I don’t. I never finish what I start. I’m a failure. Nothing I do is good enough. Is it 5:00 yet? *checks* THANK GOD!
Finally time to leave. Fuck, there’s traffic. I want to call someone and just … talk, but I don’t want to bother anyone. No one’s called or text to check on me either. Oh well. Traffic’s moving. I have to cook dinner, I don’t feel like cooking. Damn, I need to exercise but I’m tired. Traffic is at a standstill again. *Checks Instagram* Another Herbalife post, a SlimTea and FlatTummy tea promoter, and a new body fresh out of surgery. *Sigh* I‘m finally home. Where’s my bed? I’m exhausted. Thoughts, pease be quiet … I need to sleep.
Fiancé is home and I’m finally asked … “Are you okay?”
NO. I’M NOT OKAY. NOT AT ALL. I’M DEPRESSED. MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT. I WANT TO TELL YOU. I WANT TO TELL SOMEONE BUT I DON’T WANT TO SOUND LIKE I’M COMPLAINING OR CRAZY. I REALLY NEED TO LET THIS OUT. TELL ME EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY PLEASE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT’S NOT. WILL YOU JUST HUG ME? I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING THAT’S HAPPENING TO ME BUT … *smiles*
”Yes, I’m fine. I’m just tired.”
Depression is not a choice. Depression is not always dark rooms and silence. It’s not always ignoring calls and not answering text messages. Depression is putting on a mask. Depression is forcing yourself to show up. Depression is constant. Throw a little anxiety on top and you have a beautiful clusterfuck. Depression and anxiety are not easily noticeable. You can’t see them but they are felt constantly, consistently. Having depression and anxiety can be best explained as feeling like you’re drowning but not having the motivation to swim up for air. This is why they’re called the silent killers. People are at war every single day and you would never know as some of us are high-functioning. Be kind. Be patient. Check on your friends. Check on yourself. If you’re still here, I’m proud of you and I love you.
#NationalSuicidePreventionWeek #February24th #ImStillHere