I loved love ever since we first met.
I loved love when it made me feel special.
I loved love when love made me feel I was the only girl in the world.
I loved love when love swept me off my feet.
I loved love when love made empty promises.
I loved love when love forgot about me.
I loved love when love felt my feelings didn’t matter.
I loved love when love made me feel I wasn’t pretty enough.
I loved love when love told me I wasn’t good enough.
I loved love when love made me feel as if they were doing me a favor by being with a “big girl.”
I loved love when love broke my trust.
I loved love when love compared me to other women.
I loved love when love took my innocence.
I loved love when love hurt me.
I loved love when lied to me.
I loved love when love used me.
I loved love when love left me.
I loved love when love made me cry.
I loved loved when love had me contemplating my own life.
Then I realized … that wasn’t love.
I WAS LOVE. I AM LOVE.
Because I loved love when love didn’t love me back.
But now …
I LOVE ME.
How many of us have ever heard or seen someone in a situation and have been quick to say, “couldn’t be me?” Let’s be honest because I’ve been one of those people as well. There have been plenty of times where some of my friends or coworkers have vented to me about a situation and I’d say girl, you’re better than me because I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve had this way of thinking until it actually was me …
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot on what the next chapter of my life will include because I honestly have no idea what the hell I am doing. I followed the rules and went to school … twice. I’ve recently completed obtaining a Masters degree and now that I have it, I’ve been pondering over whether or not this is what I want as my career.
Who were you before they broke your heart? Do you remember? I think I was less tainted … my perspective of love being what I thought I saw in the movies. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t going to have a love like Monica and Quincy. (This was back when I played basketball, now I look at that movie as a crock of SugarHoneyIcedTea.) Then there was Martin and Gina … other than being obsessed with the show, I LOVEDDD their relationship and swore I was going to be in love and have a relationship like that, until …
Every now and then, I like to take time for some self-evaluation. During these moments, I affirm myself, choosing things that I admire and pinpointing when I’ve done something good for myself. Also, I find things that I’m not happy with and do my best to work towards changing them. Instead this time, I’m not conforming myself to fit in where I never was meant to. I’ve tried and failed plenty of times when it comes to being someone more acceptable, more normal, more lovable but there is something I’ve always failed at to which I’ve opened my eyes abruptly:
I’M ALWAYS APOLOGIZING.
“Truth is … I attract damaged people because I have a healing spirit, but who gonna heal me?”
I saw this meme and immediately double tapped it. This is a question I tend to ask myself … mostly after I’ve done what I could to help someone else to only realize I’m alone in tending to my own mess. I’ve wanted to call and talk to someone, to ask for help .. but who would understand and not judge me? Listen and actually hear me?
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been told that I should lose weight. From family members to doctors visits, I’ve always had someone telling me that my weight was too high. Visiting the doctor became a nightmare for me at a young age because I grew increasingly tired of hearing the term, “obese.” Nothing about the experiences were ever encouraging or motivating but more or less, debilitating to my confidence. Imagine being six or seven years old and being on a diet that became noticeable to everyone at school. This was the beginning of the bullying that I would endure throughout elementary school lasting until middle school.