Lessons.

Hey y’all. I know, I know … where the hell have I been right? Listen .. ya girl had a moment, relapsed and got her little feelings hurt but I’m back now and ANOTHER lesson has been learned. When I finally came out of my funk, I realized I had neglected the thing I love to do most and that’s write. Hell, I didn’t even know what I wanted or needed to write about until now. 

I celebrated my Freedom Anniversary (as I like to call it) on May 28, 2021 as it had been a year since the day I finally chose myself. Since that day, I have been up and down emotionally but learning consistently. I’ve decided to share a few of those lessons with you.

Lesson #1: Nobody is coming.

Listen y’all as this is one of the toughest lessons I had to learn … 

NOBODY IS COMING. 

Nobody is coming to save you, nobody is coming to help you, nobody is coming to pick you up. Nobody. YOU have to be there for your own self. YOU have to be the one who picks themselves up off the floor after you fall. It’s YOU, baby. YOU have to be your own savior. This was one hell of a lesson for me as someone who has been a savior all her life. I was always the one who was quick to jump whenever someone needed me. It took me being in the darkest chapter of my life to realize that it was up to me to free myself. It was up to me to love myself. It was up to me to heal myself because unlike the fairytales, there is no knight in shining armor.

Learning that nobody was coming to save me helped me learn how to depend on myself and not others. It helped me to rely on myself and have faith within myself. It taught me that I was capable of doing much more than I believed I could. It taught me that I was stronger than I thought. It taught me to focus on my cup, my plate, hell MY table, only because at this moment in life, I’m the only one who I’m worried about having a seat at my table.

Lesson #2: Be Patient.

If anyone knows me, they know one of my biggest flaws is my impatience. Soon as my Freedom Anniversary hit, I was like YES, I’M HEALED! Let’s date. Chileeeeeee .. thee absolute ghetto. Who said the dating pool has pee in it? On everything, they did NOT lie but let me elaborate on this a bit before I sound like I’m bashing men.

After spending an entire year with myself and Ace’s ass (my puppy, for those who do not know), I was ready to venture out and meet new people. Unfortunately, I rushed myself and literally forgot everything I had learned because bayyybeeee, those rose colored glasses were on AGAIN. It was in that moment that I opened myself up, forgetting all boundaries and no sooner than later, God was poppin’ me on the back of my neck with his chancla while saying DIDN’T I TELL YOU through gritted teeth.

That setback woke me TF up. I had to check in with myself and realize I was rushing again. You know how hard it is to want something so bad but you keep getting told you can’t have it yet? Trust me, I know this feeling all too well. This feeling and my impatience led me to a lot of the fuck shit I’ve dealt with in my life. I finally told myself to take my foot off the gas and just coast for a bit. I needed to continue learning myself and what it is that I truly want and don’t want because I do want to be a girlfriend again. I actually want to be a wife one day … I just want to be a happy one.

Lesson #3: Establish boundaries and BE FIRM with them.

Boundaries are something that have been foreign to me my entire life. It was because of my lack of boundaries that I’ve experienced some of the hardest lessons. In my codependent and abandoned mind, I felt boundaries were a bad thing because they kept people away. After being abandoned by my biological father as a child, I held tight to people … no matter how unhealthy their presence was. I feared being left but that was all that had been happening after individuals got what they came to receive.

It was at the tender age of 32 that I realized boundaries weren’t a wall that kept people away. Boundaries were indeed a wall but they were a wall of protection. For so many years, I neglected to protect that bright eyed and innocent four year old. It took exploring my inner child in therapy for me to realize that I’ve been conditioned to this behavior because I’ve never felt safe.  It was at this moment that I realized I had been living in survival mode for so long. What I thought was my personality was actually a full blown defense mechanism. I’m not a “hard” person. I’m not an “angry” person. Sure, I’m quite the asshole at times with my quick wit and sarcasm but in all actuality, I’m sensitive as shit. Like a true Aquarius though, I’d rather die than be that transparent, LOL.

I still struggle with holding tight to my boundaries but lately, they have been doing me justice. I still feel like I’m in survival mode because the only time I feel safe is when I’m in the comforts of my own home with myself. Boundaries are my security blanket as of right now. They’re keeping me and allowing me to be me as I continue to learn me. The best part about this journey has been finding myself and loving myself, being attentive to my needs, and being in control of my emotions. If you say I’ve changed, my response to you would be … about time.