This piece has not been edited or revised. This is literally my thoughts on paper (or keyboard, for that matter) as they form in my head. Enjoy the ride!
We are about a month and a half into 2021 and I must say … this shit is starting off pretty damn good *runs around knocking on every piece of wood I can find.* Though I still have my days, this internal work and healing is starting to pay off. Today I was sitting on my couch, sipping my tea and while driving down my boulevard of thoughts, I happened to look to the side and say to myself, “Self … are we happy?” Like, I really had to look around and think, “Is this contentment?” Trust, there is probably plenty of shit I can complain about but I just choose not to. So yeah, let me get to the topic at hand to help y’all understand how I got here.
Comfort zones. I have always been a fan of comfort zones until recently. Growing up, I was a full blown tomboy. I was comfortable in my jeans, tshirts, hoodies, and the newest pair of Jordans that had just been released. I think the most girly thing about me might have been my joy in getting my nails done, Coko from SWV style. I floated through high school that way until I met my first REAL boyfriend. Even then, I still had no idea how to be “girly.” To this day, my “beat face” is some eyeliner, mascara, concealer, and lipstick/gloss. It does not go beyond that sis because I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I do actually want to learn how to do makeup though so please, if you’re reading this and you got tips, help a sister out. Please though, don’t let that tip be “just buy some makeup and go play in it.” So you want me to look like Pennywise’s illegitimate lovechild out here, huh? Don’t do that.
Moving on, this trend of non-girly shit followed me all the way to college. In my freshman year of college, I still had not a clue how to dress, do my hair, or anything of that nature. Think I’m lying? See the pic in the collage below of what I wore to my first speed dating event my freshman year. Don’t scroll now, finish reading first … RUDE. Anyways, as I was saying …
This is where my problem lied. I wasn’t confident in myself whatsoever. I chose to “play it safe” as I wasn’t comfortable doing anything that I did not feel okay doing. I told you a few posts ago that “sexy” and “Shayna” did NOT go together. Why? I did not feel good about myself!!! I sought validation from others and I was not giving it to myself. I was scared to step out of my comfort zone because I was nervous of what others would think. I treated my size as a hinderance for me to do things. I’m not even going to lie, I still have my moments of hesitancy because that little bitch “doubt” likes to creep her ass up on me from time to time. I had to let her know NOT TUHDAY SIS!
2021 is when I decided to make changes for myself. I started truly investing in myself. I was already in therapy (checks that off the list). I purchased a self love planner and the first assignment was to write a love letter to myself. I believe that was the task that really set shit into play for me. I wrote it and when I finished, there were some tears but they were happy tears because I finally told MYSELF all the things I was looking to hear from others and IT FELT GOOD. Though we in a panny, I started venturing out and doing activities SOLO DOLO. My first solo activity was a socially distanced speed dating event and BRUH, the social anxiety wasn’t nothing to play with. Still, I went and I enjoyed myself. Though I didn’t meet the love of my life, I went out and allowed myself to meet new people and interact without the comfort of having a friend with me.
The next event for me to step out of my comfort zone was a Valentine’s Day COED Sexy Lingerie & Pajama Party hosted by my big sister. I was all for it until I realized, “Bitch! You about to be ass out … IN FRONT OF MEN?!?!?” ***inserts dramatics*** My anxiety started kicking in. My overthinking started rearing her ugly ass head and I was losing it. It wasn’t until I was driving there and listening to music did I think, “Girl, you got this. You bout to look good as FAWK in this red lingerie!” Here’s where my confidence decided to exit stage left … PICTURE TIME. I looked the part but when it came time to pose, I was somewhat lost or if I did do anything, I felt awkward. Still, I pushed forward and honey, I DELIVERED! My sister, the other girls and even some of the guys were complimenting me. Did it feel good? Yes. Was I also screaming internally and anxious to take it all off? YES! LOL. I changed into a nice onesie and my soul was at ease.
Moral of the story is … step out of your comfort zone because life begins at the end of your comfort zone. We hinder ourselves from truly experiencing what life has to offer. Shit, we even hinder ourselves from reaching our full potential when we sit and “play it safe.” I told myself I can’t keep playing it safe because it leaves me stuck with no progression. My anxiety and overthinking has stopped me from doing so many things because of fear of opinions. I had to realize that what doesn’t challenge you, doesn’t change you. Try doing something that scares you everyday and watch how things begin to unfold.
Step out of your comfort zone, baby … Nothing grows there.