Stop asserting yourself into a role you weren’t asked to fulfill.
In figuring out my purpose, I’ve played many roles in life that were not meant for me. There is one role that I reflect on most. I was never asked to play this role. I never auditioned for it. I just asserted myself into it. My childhood trauma impacted me to the point where I was scared of conflict … even the ones that didn’t concern me. I always remembered myself as being the peacemaker, trying to make sure everyone was happy because things were good when everyone was happy.
Now that I am in my 30s, I realized these circumstances led me to become a “fixer.” I was someone who was broken … so in return, I ran around trying to fix everything and everyone I came across. This tied into my relationships as I attracted some of the most broken people. When we become young first time daters, we don’t ask the person we’re dating, “what happened in your childhood that has made you the person you are today?” We don’t ask, “have you any demons that you haven’t addressed through therapy?” In our teens and 20s, we weren’t thinking about things like that even though we were setting up a beautiful life with this person in our minds already. Fixers like myself saw all of your past trials and tribulations that hurt you and thought, “I can fix this.” I thought with this big and generous heart that God blessed me with, I could love away another’s trauma. I thought I could affirm away their insecurities. What I didn’t realize was picking up someone else’s broken pieces only cut me.
Hurt people hurt people, especially when hurt goes unacknowledged. You obsess over proving yourself as the fixer, not realizing that this stems from your own trauma. You’re doing your best to prove your worth and you’re far different from the disappointments that this person has experienced.
Fixers feel like they get what they deserve. If they have been treated like shit then obviously it’s something the fixer is doing wrong. In true fixer fashion, fixers try to “fix it” in the hopes of being loved again. Being a fixer is a toxic trait that many of us have to let go of.
Boundaries are important when you’re overcoming being a fixer. When you’re a fixer, you’re also a giver and you have to be mindful of your limits because these takers have none. Don’t let someone guilt trip you into believing you’re obligated. You are not responsible for the broken pieces of others … just your own.
As for me, I don’t consider myself as broke anymore. I spent a lot of time falling in love with broken people. I spent a lot of time being a fixer and a healer for others. To combat that, I am spending plenty of time alone so that I could fall in love with myself and receive a taste of my own medicine. No longer a fixer, I am now a potter … someone who put the pieces of her broken pottery back together with her own hands.
5 thoughts on “That Wasn’t Your Place.”
YAS YAS and more YASSSS!!! I love this and I love you!!! So raw, honest, and transparent and relatable! Like I’ve told you many times before.. I am beyond PROUD of you shay!! I can’t wait to see what your future has in store for you!! Stay strong cuzzo!!😘💪🏾🙏🏽❤️
I felt this! I never thought of being a fixer as a toxic trait but you are right!!! If only we (I’m very much talking to myself) spent that same time and energy into fixing ourselves… but I’m glad to know I’m not alone in these feelings and experiences. ❤️
This blog speaks so much truth!! Many of us want to fix others. An unhealthy wish to fix others is to get into relationships where the partner is seen as someone who needs fixing. One problem with this is that the other person may not want fixing and may not even see a need to be fixed. The other problem is that any relationship based on one person trying to fix the other is doomed for failure. The constant norm heard, “I don’t want to be changed, I want you to love me the way I am.”
In actuality, it is the wish to fix others that represents what is referred to as codependence. At one time, the use of this word was limited to those who were in relationships with substance abusers. Now it has a wider use in which the codependent sacrifices their own needs while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, romantic, etc. Codependency can also be characterized by denial of what is really happening, low self-esteem and excessive compliance to abusers. People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr. By constantly putting the needs of others before their own needs they get a sense that they are “needed”. Self sacrifice to the needs of others is NEVER a good thing! Focus on self “FIRST” and remember love self “FIRST” and self is “NUMBER ONE”!!!
Phenomenal blog Sweetie!! I am honored to be your mother and extremely proud to have such an awesome daughter! Let the thoughts keep flowing and pen keep writing.
Love you Sweetie,
Once again you hit the target with a bullseye. I especially liked when you said “ when picking up the broken pieces of someone else, you only cut yourself “ What a great line! that’s tee shirt ready merch right there! You continue to make me a proud dad. Well done Babygirl. Keep up the good work. Love ya!
Wow! I felt this with my whole entire heart and spirit!
I never ever thought of being a fixer as a toxic trait. I always looked at it as being strong and its always been instilled in me to be a fixer because thats what my Dad was. He was my family’s Mr.Fix It. When problems arose, everyone always depended on him to help fix them. Whether that was with finances, personal issues, mental issues, living situations etc. He could never say no and thats why everyone loved him so much because he was so selfless. But once he passed, that Mr.Fix It baton was passed down to me and I couldn’t handle it. I tried so hard, really I did but it was too much. I was never allowed to grieve because I had to take care of everyone else and be strong for them; be their role model and have my shit together so they could think they had their shit together too. After reading this, I literally just realized I been doing this completely wrong. It was never my role to take on my Dad’s, and its my fault for for doing so and allowing so much to happen the way it did. So now I have to be the “Potter” as you stated. Whewwwww chileeee, you did that! Thanks for this Twin! Love you tonthe moon and back! Stay strong! I’m so proud of you! You’re killing this game so effortlessly! 😘💕