Distance and shutting the entire fuck up.
It’s been about five months into my chapter 30 and I’ve learned so much already … currently still learning and growing. Distance is one of those lessons that I learned. I’ve learned to stop asking for advice and to stop listening to other people. This way, I can’t blame anyone for my decisions and I can celebrate myself when I make positive decisions that are beneficial to me and my future. With that being said, I mind my business, hold on to my business, drink my water and talk to God, A LOT!
I began to create distance in my relationships with people. I started looking for people less and started looking for me more. As selfish as it sounds, I stopped checking in with people to see how THEY were and started checking in with myself. I came to this realization when my therapist asked me how things went once I wrote and posted “Black Girl, Interrupted.” I explained the reactions I received with some pouring love in to me while others judged me. My therapist confused me by asking how I was when I thought we were talking about my blog. I looked at her funny and answered, “I’m fine.” She continued starting at me and asked me again, “How are you?” Before I could answer, she cut me off and told me to tell the truth. After a brief moment of silence, I shrugged my shoulders. She then asked me when was the last time someone asked me how I was and when was the last time I gave a genuine answer. Silence again. She said to me, “Being transparent isn’t easy, is it?” Especially when you’re screaming in a room full of people but no one acknowledges you though they hear you.” BITCH!!! This is what led me to shutting the fuck up!
Anybody watch Grace and Frankie? That’s my damn show, first off. But anyway, it wasn’t until season 5, episode 12 where I had my STFU epiphany. Shorty was at dinner, TURNT and her husband tried to shit on her good time and say, “It’s time to take you home!” Let me tell y’all … Goldie wasn’t having none of that! She slammed her hand on that dining room table and said, and I quote:
“Vince … look at me. Look at me in the windows to my soul. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut all the way the fuck up until you reach the top of SHUT FUCK MOUNTAIN where there are no more fuck ups to shut!”
After I finished laughing my ass off, something in my head said:
Shut the fuck up, Shayna! You don’t have to tell everybody everything because honestly, THAT WAS ME! I was always telling my business whether it was personal, professional, family, friends, or relationships, I TOLD IT! I felt like I had nothing to hide so why not? It wasn’t until a wise woman said to me, “There are people who ask how you are because they genuinely want to know and there are people who ask how you are to see if you have anything bad to say.” Ma’am, lower your voice, you ain’t have to holler. This was very true though. I had to learn that my life was not the latest gossip, it wasn’t the tea of the day, and it wasn’t ammunition for those who had better talk shit about my life instead of sweeping around their own doorstep.
Taking this advice has helped me to listen and observe more than I spoke. I realized how much I didn’t know about others. I realized that social media was how a majority of the people in my life kept up with me so I started posting less. I realized how at peace I felt with keeping things between me and God. I also began to realize who was who. With all of these realizations, I’ve realized most of all that I’ve grown in so many ways. I’m not perfect, I fuck up and will continue to but I’m accepting of it now. I take care of me so much better now than I used to. I say no. I ignore phone calls when I don’t feel like talking and find no obligation in having to call anyone back. If it’s an emergency, call 911. I got my own shit going on, and that shit is my mental health.
I have depression and anxiety, and they are my disorders. I’d rather use “disorders” than diseases because I don’t find myself to be “sick.” But they are MINE. I find strength in claiming them because I fight these hoes every damn day, SINGLEHANDEDLY. After February 24th, I got “STRENGTH” tatted on my forearm because I beat depression that day. I went Arya Stark on its ass.
There will be more days like February 24th, this I know. I find comfort in knowing that I am built for this fight. So when you come with negativity, bullshit, lies, and anything that is disturbing to my spirit … keep moving because turning 30 has taught me … I’M WAY TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!